Boys Don't Wash Their Hands

     Homecoming season has made its final approach.  T-9 days.  Wonderful.  Don't get me wrong, I remember enjoying getting dressed-up, wearing mass amounts of make-up, and all the making out that went on.  But, clearly as a mother, I am not that thrilled about the idea of Haven participating in any fashion. 

Exhibit A:  My Daughter's Homecoming Shoes:

     These shoes are super-amazing, and Haven looks like a lovely gazelle wearing them.  I just hope her date doesn't find gazelles attractive...I think I still have time to teach her a few self-defense moves before he picks her up. 

Exhibit B:  The Dress:



     I love the color of this dress, and think the contrasting color of her tanned skin will make the dress 'pop.' 

     Here's the thing:  WHY don't dress makers include built-in shorts to help mothers like me stay sober?  I mean, designers of children's clothing have done this for years!  It's not like this is a huge trade secret.  Heck, my 3 year old wears built-in shorts under her dresses and skirts ALL OF THE TIME.

Exhibit C:  Have You Seen My Daughter?

     Please?  Can you see why I am worried?



Action!  Action!  We want action!  A-C-T (clap, clap, clap) I-O-N! (clap, clap, clap) (picture it with various hand moves and spirit fingers.)

     A couple of weeks ago, Haven had some friends sleep over, and as always, the topic of boys came up.  They were talking about how Soandso in their group was going to go to a certain ‘base’ with her boyfriend on Homecoming night.  I made some smart assed remark about stupid girls and boys that don't wash their hands, and I had an epiphany; A life altering epiphany.  This epiphany is so profound that I am going to make myself available to all of my friend's daughters when they are old enough to hear this.

     How do you facilitate your daughter's continued virginity?  You gross her out.  I'm not kidding.  Encourage your daughter's friends to listen, too. 

     When I made the remark, “Boys don't wash their hands,” an explosion went off in my head.  BOYS.DON'T.WASH.THEIR.HANDS.  I am onto something, I KNOW it.

     I have guy friends-- most of whom are reformed non-hand-washing boys.  This reformation is great, but I think we all can agree that high school boys don't care much about cleanliness, and they are most definitely not concerned if their cleanliness affects others. 

     So, the following weekend when the subject of Soandso going to unnamed base with her boyfriend came up again, I coolly said, “You know, boys don't wash their hands, right?”  This one statement was met with a “Motherrrrrr!” 

     I know it embarrassed Haven, but it got the girl's attention, and I truly believe that my daughter's embarrassment was worth it.  One of Haven's friends asked me what I meant, and I tactfully explained EXACTLY what I meant.  I mean, seriously, save yourself a yeast infection, for the love of God.

     I honestly struggle with what is appropriate, and what information I should share with Haven and her friends.  I have thought a lot about the information I received as a teenager, and think that had someone warned me about all of the nastiness out there, I might actually have been the prude my parents so wanted in a daughter. 

     The only thing I was ever told was that if I had sex, I would be grounded.  WHAT?!?  Nice try Mom and Dad.  I was always grounded anyway, so what difference would that make?  Now, had they told me the dangers of non-hand-washers, camping and Goldschlager, well, I might lead a very different life than I do today.

     I HOPE I got the attention of my daughter and her friends.  I HOPE these beautiful girls --that have the rest of their lives in front of them-- will remember what I said.  I HOPE my daughter remembers this when she starts dating. 

     Until then, I am fine if she stares intently at all the hands of the boys she hangs out with.   Because if she does, I know she will not be trying to determine the size of their penises.