I love that Haven knows that she can tell me anything. I love that Haven knows that I will not judge the information she gives me. I love that we have a great relationship. I love that Haven comes to me instead of soliciting the advice of her friends.
In theory, this arrangement is ideal because I know what is going on with her and that is of utmost importance when raising a teenager. However, because she can tell me anything, I find that I know WAY more than any mother need know. There are times when I wish I didn't know everything.
Lord knows I never told my mother anything, and that is because she would be pissed off and bring the wrath of God down upon me. She was scary.
I made a vow when I found out that I was pregnant with Haven that I would want to know what was going on with her when she became a teenager, and told myself that I would be even more understanding when it came time to deal with the hard stuff: You know, sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. I vowed that I would not approach those issues like an After School Special or a 7th grade sex-education video. I think I have done a pretty good job of giving Haven information that she can use to make wise decisions. Maybe I should have had access to some of her friends...
Virginity is a big concern for me. It was not easy to have a child at a young age and I'll pretty much do anything to prevent my daughter from following in my footsteps. Do not get me wrong, I love my life, but it was challenging for me. All a parent wants for her child is for them to have an easier life.
But knowing about what some of her friends do with others is a double edged sword. On one hand, I am glad that she is divulging all of the threesomes, alcohol fueled parties, and pregnancy scares, but there is another part of me that flirts on the edge of vomiting after these conversations. My Mom doesn't know how lucky she was. Seriously.
The information Haven gives me about her friends has made me rethink how I felt about myself in high school. I'm not trying to rewrite history by any means, but if I had known that girls (and boys) would be doing this stuff 16 years later (Please use your imagination. It really is worse than threesomes and pregnancy scares.), I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.
And really kids, just because there is a line in a movie about gang bangs, doesn't mean you all need to run trains on one another.
I just don't get when things changed from merely having sex in high school to hanging naked from the ceiling. Don't they know that is what college is for? Why are they trying to rush these things?
I've had conversations with other mother's and they blame this evolution on reality television. I guess I can agree with that. I somehow managed to make my high school experience come straight out of an episode of Dallas; Why wouldn't they model their behavior after the residents of Jersey Shore?
I do want Haven to keep talking to me, but I really need there to be a preventative way for me not to become physically ill when she does. I want there to be a way for me to look at her friends without the urge to say, "I know what you've done." I need there to be a device I can install onto Haven's person that will alert me as to when another human being is trying to get into her "business".
The end.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Essence of Haven
In late April, Haven traveled to New York City (or "You Nork City" as she called it as a young child) to be a Rapporteur of The Human Rights Council for the Montessori Model United Nations.
Haven attended Montessori school from the time she was two years old until she entered the sixth grade. I truly believe that foundation of her educational background within the Montessori curriculum played an important part of who Haven is today. Montessori and her teachers have shown Haven compassion for her environment, a love of learning, and the ability to overcome obstacles.
Haven was diagnosed with dyslexia in the second grade. She struggled immensely for many years to be able to form words, numbers, and to be able to read. Through therapy and with the help of her caring and very patient teachers, Haven was able to approach the disability with grace and determination. She would not have been able to conquer dyslexia or continue her love of learning if it were not for her teachers. I love each of those women as if they were family and will forever be grateful to them for what they have done for my child.
The first time Haven traveled to New York to participate in the Montessori Model United Nations was in 2007. She, along with her fifth grade class, sat on many boards while representing the United Kingdom. She, along with her team members, drafted many resolutions and presented them to the Model UN Governing Council.
I was floored with her work on the resolution of the proliferation of nuclear arms in North Korea. Tell me, please, what 11 year old is or has ever been concerned about nuclear arms or human rights atrocities? A smart one for sure.
Mine.
That experience changed how Haven viewed herself. She saw that her struggle with her learning disability was insignificant in relation to what other people, and especially children, of other countries have to endure. She came home from that trip and told me, "Mom, I am so lucky I live here." And I replied back, "No Haven, you are lucky to have been born a girl in the United States of America. Other girls are not so lucky."
Haven has gone back to the Montessori Model UN many times since then and has continued to educate herself on human rights and armament issues that plague our world. If it were not for the experiences afforded to her through her Montessori school, she may have been a child that gave no thought to others out of her immediate vicinity.
This year, she was asked to become a Rapporteur. A Rapporteur is a member of the dias, a group of people who are in charge of a committee. This was a great honor for Haven, and her duties included keeping the speaker's list and taking the roll call. They have asked her to return next year and she will be given greater responsibilities. She is looking forward to it.
Tomorrow, my Haven turns sixteen years old. This beautiful child has impacted, shaped, and changed every person she has ever encountered. I am amazed at the person of action she has already become during her short time on Earth. I am convinced that her next sixteen years will be even more impactful.
The essence of Haven is this:
There are those that idly sit back and let the world determine their worth, and then there is Haven.
There are those who are defined by what happens to them, and then there is Haven.
There are those who watch wrongdoings from a distance and do not involve themselves, and then there is Haven.
There are those who want to create change but do not feel their voice strong enough to be heard, and then there is Haven.
There are those who are unable to speak for themselves, and then there is Haven.
There are those who do not care, and then there is Haven.
I named her Haven because I knew that she would be my safe place. Little did I know that she would be a safe place for others.
Happy birthday, darling.
Haven attended Montessori school from the time she was two years old until she entered the sixth grade. I truly believe that foundation of her educational background within the Montessori curriculum played an important part of who Haven is today. Montessori and her teachers have shown Haven compassion for her environment, a love of learning, and the ability to overcome obstacles.
Haven was diagnosed with dyslexia in the second grade. She struggled immensely for many years to be able to form words, numbers, and to be able to read. Through therapy and with the help of her caring and very patient teachers, Haven was able to approach the disability with grace and determination. She would not have been able to conquer dyslexia or continue her love of learning if it were not for her teachers. I love each of those women as if they were family and will forever be grateful to them for what they have done for my child.
The first time Haven traveled to New York to participate in the Montessori Model United Nations was in 2007. She, along with her fifth grade class, sat on many boards while representing the United Kingdom. She, along with her team members, drafted many resolutions and presented them to the Model UN Governing Council.
I was floored with her work on the resolution of the proliferation of nuclear arms in North Korea. Tell me, please, what 11 year old is or has ever been concerned about nuclear arms or human rights atrocities? A smart one for sure.
Mine.
That experience changed how Haven viewed herself. She saw that her struggle with her learning disability was insignificant in relation to what other people, and especially children, of other countries have to endure. She came home from that trip and told me, "Mom, I am so lucky I live here." And I replied back, "No Haven, you are lucky to have been born a girl in the United States of America. Other girls are not so lucky."
Haven has gone back to the Montessori Model UN many times since then and has continued to educate herself on human rights and armament issues that plague our world. If it were not for the experiences afforded to her through her Montessori school, she may have been a child that gave no thought to others out of her immediate vicinity.
This year, she was asked to become a Rapporteur. A Rapporteur is a member of the dias, a group of people who are in charge of a committee. This was a great honor for Haven, and her duties included keeping the speaker's list and taking the roll call. They have asked her to return next year and she will be given greater responsibilities. She is looking forward to it.
Tomorrow, my Haven turns sixteen years old. This beautiful child has impacted, shaped, and changed every person she has ever encountered. I am amazed at the person of action she has already become during her short time on Earth. I am convinced that her next sixteen years will be even more impactful.
The essence of Haven is this:
There are those that idly sit back and let the world determine their worth, and then there is Haven.
There are those who are defined by what happens to them, and then there is Haven.
There are those who watch wrongdoings from a distance and do not involve themselves, and then there is Haven.
There are those who want to create change but do not feel their voice strong enough to be heard, and then there is Haven.
There are those who are unable to speak for themselves, and then there is Haven.
There are those who do not care, and then there is Haven.
I named her Haven because I knew that she would be my safe place. Little did I know that she would be a safe place for others.
Happy birthday, darling.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Sexy Cars and Teenagers
Something happens to me when people drive recklessly around me when I have my children in the car. It gets my internal and external dialogue talking at the same time, and my blood pressure soars to high heaven. If the other driver is particularly reckless, these two dialogues merge into one profanity laden banter that scares even me. I blame it on the high blood pressure. But, it is even worse when the other driver is a teenager, especially so if the other driver is a teenage boy.
At the beginning of this school year I told you my feelings about children driving better cars than most adults I know. It is just not right, in my opinion, especially in a recession. These kids have not worked a day in their lives for vehicles of this caliber, and are rewarded with such in order for their parents to keep up with appearances. It brings about a bravado that would not be present had these parents gifted, say a Hyundai. Giving a child a $50,000 car permits them to behave as if money is no object and it is reflected in their driving, especially with boys. That's the truth-- plain and simple. It irks me when I see a seventeen year old driving the same car my friend drives. My friend is a mid-level OFFICER in the military, not a seventeen year old athlete. Good LORD! There is something wrong with this picture.
Today on the way to drop Haven off at her high school and as I crossed the intersection of Affluent and More Affluent, some little kid in a BRAND NEW BMW got so close to my back bumper that it got my internal dialogue whispering. It said, "Hey Buddy, you are a bit close, back off a little."
He didn't and got even closer to my car.
The conversation in my head was now at an audibly loud level. Outwardly I said, "What is this kid doing?" Internally I said, "Alright asshole, if you want to wreck your sexy, black car, I'm all for it." I did not act on that, however, as my children were with me.
The ironic thing about this incident was that the other lane was open. He could have just gone around me. He could have sped past me and called me old for going the speed limit. He could have given me the bird and called it a day.
But, he didn't.
I knew what was about to happen. I knew that my two dialogues would merge into one. I knew that I would have to talk to my children after it was all said and done about appropriate driving behavior. I knew I would have to apologize to my 4 year old for using the F-word. A lot.
The teenager angrily pulled up next to me and then swerved into my lane, pushing me almost onto the sidewalk, while honking wildly.
Really? You are a teenage road rager? Nice.
MY INTERNAL DIALOGUE: You piece of shit, you are so lucky you did not hit my car with my children in it! If you had hit my car, you'd better hope that you were injured. After checking to see if my children were okay, I would have pulled you out of that $60,000 car and kicked the shit out of you until every entitled bone in your body was broken or until the police came to pull me off of you. And then I would kick the shit out of your parents. I would beat the ever-loving-shit out of your parents right in front of you! (This goes on and on, but with a lot more profanity. You get the picture.)
(And don't act like you don't candidly talk to yourself about what happens to your children either. Don't act like you don't fantasize about what you would do if someone hurt them.)
MY EXTERNAL DIALOGUE: This is not for public consumption. I used the F-word and had crazy eyes. I talked about his mother. I almost put my middle finger through the rolled-up window.
(I felt passionately about getting my point across.)
Then the teenager darted across three lanes of traffic, two of which were on-coming, and disappeared into a neighborhood.
Obviously, this was not my finest moment, but in my defense I was scared. He came that close to hitting us and he could have flipped my car. My kids could have been hurt! I am not going to apologize for what I inwardly or outwardly say when it comes to my kids. What I said to this kid was appropriate and warranted and I would say it all again in the same situation, but maybe with more of a Christan undertone. I don't know; Hindsight is 20/20.
What I do know is that in less than 11 days my daughter will be turning 16 and driving herself to school without me. She will be thrown into the bravado mix and I am worried for her safety. What if some teenage driver does this to her? What if her reflexes are not as good as mine and she actually gets into a wreck? Do you know what I would do if she were injured? Killed? I can't even think about it.
The most positive thing I can take away from this incident was Haven's reaction. She gasped when he swerved at us and her brown eyes became mostly white. She asked what was wrong with him. Hopefully she will take something away from this experience, and I hope that it is not my colorful language...
Surely she will not be as aggressive as these other drivers in her 1997 model truck. Surely she will be more respectful of others around her. If I hear any differently there will be hell to pay.
At the beginning of this school year I told you my feelings about children driving better cars than most adults I know. It is just not right, in my opinion, especially in a recession. These kids have not worked a day in their lives for vehicles of this caliber, and are rewarded with such in order for their parents to keep up with appearances. It brings about a bravado that would not be present had these parents gifted, say a Hyundai. Giving a child a $50,000 car permits them to behave as if money is no object and it is reflected in their driving, especially with boys. That's the truth-- plain and simple. It irks me when I see a seventeen year old driving the same car my friend drives. My friend is a mid-level OFFICER in the military, not a seventeen year old athlete. Good LORD! There is something wrong with this picture.
Today on the way to drop Haven off at her high school and as I crossed the intersection of Affluent and More Affluent, some little kid in a BRAND NEW BMW got so close to my back bumper that it got my internal dialogue whispering. It said, "Hey Buddy, you are a bit close, back off a little."
He didn't and got even closer to my car.
The conversation in my head was now at an audibly loud level. Outwardly I said, "What is this kid doing?" Internally I said, "Alright asshole, if you want to wreck your sexy, black car, I'm all for it." I did not act on that, however, as my children were with me.
The ironic thing about this incident was that the other lane was open. He could have just gone around me. He could have sped past me and called me old for going the speed limit. He could have given me the bird and called it a day.
But, he didn't.
I knew what was about to happen. I knew that my two dialogues would merge into one. I knew that I would have to talk to my children after it was all said and done about appropriate driving behavior. I knew I would have to apologize to my 4 year old for using the F-word. A lot.
The teenager angrily pulled up next to me and then swerved into my lane, pushing me almost onto the sidewalk, while honking wildly.
Really? You are a teenage road rager? Nice.
MY INTERNAL DIALOGUE: You piece of shit, you are so lucky you did not hit my car with my children in it! If you had hit my car, you'd better hope that you were injured. After checking to see if my children were okay, I would have pulled you out of that $60,000 car and kicked the shit out of you until every entitled bone in your body was broken or until the police came to pull me off of you. And then I would kick the shit out of your parents. I would beat the ever-loving-shit out of your parents right in front of you! (This goes on and on, but with a lot more profanity. You get the picture.)
(And don't act like you don't candidly talk to yourself about what happens to your children either. Don't act like you don't fantasize about what you would do if someone hurt them.)
MY EXTERNAL DIALOGUE: This is not for public consumption. I used the F-word and had crazy eyes. I talked about his mother. I almost put my middle finger through the rolled-up window.
(I felt passionately about getting my point across.)
Then the teenager darted across three lanes of traffic, two of which were on-coming, and disappeared into a neighborhood.
Obviously, this was not my finest moment, but in my defense I was scared. He came that close to hitting us and he could have flipped my car. My kids could have been hurt! I am not going to apologize for what I inwardly or outwardly say when it comes to my kids. What I said to this kid was appropriate and warranted and I would say it all again in the same situation, but maybe with more of a Christan undertone. I don't know; Hindsight is 20/20.
What I do know is that in less than 11 days my daughter will be turning 16 and driving herself to school without me. She will be thrown into the bravado mix and I am worried for her safety. What if some teenage driver does this to her? What if her reflexes are not as good as mine and she actually gets into a wreck? Do you know what I would do if she were injured? Killed? I can't even think about it.
The most positive thing I can take away from this incident was Haven's reaction. She gasped when he swerved at us and her brown eyes became mostly white. She asked what was wrong with him. Hopefully she will take something away from this experience, and I hope that it is not my colorful language...
Surely she will not be as aggressive as these other drivers in her 1997 model truck. Surely she will be more respectful of others around her. If I hear any differently there will be hell to pay.
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