The Blame Game

      Haven finally got a response from her father, and it was lacking to say the least. She's hurt and it is a hurt that I do not think she will ever get over. I watched her read his response as she sat under an oak tree in our backyard. I saw her shoulders slump. She folded up the letter, stood up, and walked towards me. Due to her age, I am not ever sure of what she's needing from a mother, but I was prepared to give her whatever I could. She walked passed me, slapped the letter in her hand and said, “This is crap.”

I figured it would be.

      She did not want me to read his response, and I respected that. However, an internal, maternal rage burned within me and had the man been in my physical presence, I believe he would have received the ass kicking of his life. The shoulder slump alone ignited my bodily response. But because he wasn't, I hid my anger and waited for an opportunity to speak with Haven about what she was feeling.

Some humans shouldn't be allowed to reproduce or have equipment that allows them to do so.

      It was days before she shared his response with me. It was every thing I expected from him. He blamed me...fine. He blamed my parents...fine. He blamed Haven...NOT FINE.

      I did not comment on the letter with out solicitation because I did not want to make the situation worse for her. But, as she read it aloud, I saw a very mature, young lady emerge. She told me all of the reasons why she did not agree with his version of events, and did so without any emotion. She did not exhibit the normal teenage reaction filled with tears and strife. I was proud and scared all at the same time.

      Usually, when I am able to speak without emotion after someone hurts me, that is an indication that someone is about to really wish they were never born. Maybe Haven hasn't been genetically disposed to this phenomenon-- and it is a phenomenon for anyone who has been witness to my absolute calmness when I am completely enraged. I've been waiting for Haven to have some sort of reaction, but hasn't as of yet. She's always been the best of me, anyway.

      This letter got me thinking about my response as a mother.  It's also made me think of fantastic scenarios of what I would like to do to him. Her father does not know this, but I have found that I can shape shift into the nastiest broad on the planet. There is an unwritten rule that every mother has: DO NOT HURT MY KID no matter their age. Any mother will agree with this, and a lot of fathers, too. Maybe he does not realize the lengths I will go to protect my children. 

Here are some other rules for absent parents to follow:

1. Be a grown up. If you are an adult and blame a child, you should be sent straight to an electric chair. There is no amount of rehabilitation that will make you see that you are the adult and children are innocent.
2. If you are going to be absent from your child's life, do not blame the parent that stayed to do both of your jobs. You will never win this argument. EVER.
3. If you are absent and your child reaches out to you, for the love of GOD, put your self last for once. All you need to do is say, “I'm sorry,” no matter what happened between the adults.
4. If you sign away all parental rights to your child, do not assume that you will be invited to life changing events. If your child invites you and wants you there, that is one thing, but if they do not, please do not convince yourself that you have any right to show up unannounced.
5. If you are absent for the majority of a child's life, saying, “I love you,” will fall short and on deaf ears. Don't get mad at the child when it does. Children take offense to absences of choice.
6. No matter the circumstance, take responsibility for your decisions. They were yours.
7. Blaming others when you have a perfectly good opportunity to correct wrongdoings only shows how weak you are.
8. When your child grants you time with them, do not pawn them off on others because you are uncomfortable with the fact that you do not really know your own child. That is your fault, not theirs.
9. Revisionist history will not make the situation better. Just own up to what you did.
   
   
   10.) Make sure you thank the other parent for raising your child. They changed the diapers, held hair while your child vomited, stayed up nights to work on school projects, worked countless jobs to provide for them, held their hand during doctor's appointments and when their favorite pet died. They were there for every success and failure your child has ever had, and did so because that's what parents do.

      And know this, if you ever send my child a letter again stating that she was in the wrong, you will elicit a response from me that will scare terrorists. 

The Drunkest Girl in Four States

     It has recently come to my attention that Haven is hanging out with Seniors.  When I was a Senior, I wouldn't have been caught dead with a Sophomore.  I am perplexed by the attraction this group of Seniors has with my daughter.  I've met some in the group, but I still err on the side of caution no matter how nice these girls seem to be.

     Last night we had a conversation about photographic proof that Haven has been in the same vicinity of alcohol. I liked beer at an early age. I mean, hello?  Have you ever met me?  I still like beer today, but it makes me fat and that is something I am working very hard not to be.  However, there is no photographic record of me enjoying it at the age of 15.  I simply asked Haven about it and she told me the truth.  If it were the other way around, and my Mother had asked me, I would have LIED.  Haven did not and I find I have a great respect for her.

     So, if she's going to be around it, and even drink it, I felt she needed some tangible advice.  I did not give her permission to go out and drink.  I put alcohol consumption into perspective for her and I hope she listens.

1.)  DO NOT be the drunkest girl in FOUR states.  Nobody likes a sloppy drunk.  Nobody wants to take care of a sloppy drunk.  People will write on your forehead with a permanent marker once you pass out.  You will wake up with no clothes on.  Your "virtue" will be stolen.  People will talk about you and not in a nice way.  You will come home pregnant and not know how you got that way.  Boys will like you better, but only because you are sloppy and agree to run around naked in front of them.

2.)  DO NOT be a HOOKER.  Alcohol impairs judgement.  Believe me.  It explains about 97% of the men I've dated.  Don't talk yourself into thinking that people are good, because most are not.  There is a difference between chemistry and alcohol induced attraction.  Wait until the next day to determine if chemistry is still there without the aid of Captain Morgan.  I promise you will ask yourself what you were thinking. 

3.)  If you're gonna drink, DO NOT throw up in your friend's CAR.  Seriously, friends don't like that.

4.)  DO NOT get into a car with anyone who has been DRINKING and DO NOT try to DRIVE A CAR if you have been.  I will kill you.  You will wish for death if you do this.  If you do, and you die, I will wither away to nothing because I am nothing without you.

5.)  IF YOU GET CAUGHT, I am NOT going to bail you out.  I never got a MIP and neither should you.  If you get busted at a party, you better call a bank for a loan because I am not going to spend money on you because you were a dumbass.  You want to go to a major university?  Good luck.  It most likely will not happen if you have a MIP on your record.

6.)  The HANGOVER isn't worth it.  I will clang pots together over your head if I even suspect that you are.  I will make you do hard labor out in the hot sun and laugh when you dry heave.  I won't tell you to replace the sugar you lost the night before to help you feel better.

7.)  DO NOT try to beat people up when you have been drinking.  You will look like a fool.  You will fall and injure yourself.  I've seen plenty of friends try to attempt this and they ended up looking like idiots.

8.)  DO NOT attempt doing things you normally do not already do, like fix an electrical problem, or attempt a round-off back handspring.  I'm sure you don't want to be a paraplegic, so just stop while you're ahead. 

9.)  IF you drink, DO NOT let that be the opportunity to tell someone off.  You will go too far and say things you regret.  Words hurt more than a punch to the face.  Words cannot be taken back.

10.)  DO NOT get crazy ideas into your head.  For example, it is a bad idea to run off and get married to someone you don't know.  It is also a bad idea to be drunk and get a tattoo.  That crap does not wash off.  Neither one.

Dramanation

     Well, well, well.  Haven doesn't like me.  I've been anticipating this, and I am ready.  I am prepared for all of the verbal assaults and wordless daggers she is going to throw at me.  She's 15, and is gearing up for the war that all mothers and daughters wage during the teenage years.  I was an excellent warrior by the age of 17, and I expect Haven to be much nastier than I ever was.  That's not to say that she will be, I am just going to expect the worst.

     Haven told me this morning that whether or not I was a good person "was debatable."  Awesome.  I do not think that a 15 year old can quantify as to what is good or not.  Clothes, maybe, but character, I think not.  Science shows that their frontal lobes, which determine judgement and impulsivity, are still developing.  Haven has absolutely no idea what she is talking about.

     She is angry with me because she believes I side with her younger siblings more than I do her.  This is completely false.  The other children are corrected, if not more so, because they are learning "sister" boundaries and want to cross them at every opportunity.  Haven is only corrected if she uses a smart mouth or if she is being unkind, and she's rarely unkind.  She does, however, have a smart mouth. 

     Recently, Haven told me that she hates me for the first time.  Talk about a knee-dropping, breath-taking revelation that I certainly could have gone my whole life without hearing.  When she said the words, it felt as if my insides were exposed to outside elements.  It hurt.  But, my reaction was completely different than the way I was feeling inside.  While this is still confusing to me, I think I participated in the very first skirmish of our war.  I got lippy. 

     Maybe it was wrong to react to her words, but I did.  I wasn't ugly in my response, but I did go down a list of all the things I do for her, which was completely unnecessary because she had already stopped listening to me.  I knew she wasn't listening, and I continued on with my rant anyway.  Of course she only heard the one semi-negative thing on the list, and exploded in a deafening shrieking that made the whole communication a waste and unresolvable.

 
    It is my sincere hope that I no longer participate in exchanges that will not be beneficial to either of us.  I am going to try like hell to not engage her in battles that cannot be won by either party.  It is a super sad feeling for a mother to hear words like "hate" and "annoying."  I know it is equally as sad for a teenager to hear words like "lazy" and "disrespectful."  I am going to try something new with her, like ignore the words and make every attempt to empathize with her development.

     If it does come down to hand-to-hand combat, I am confident she will completely kick my ass.