The Drunkest Girl in Four States

     It has recently come to my attention that Haven is hanging out with Seniors.  When I was a Senior, I wouldn't have been caught dead with a Sophomore.  I am perplexed by the attraction this group of Seniors has with my daughter.  I've met some in the group, but I still err on the side of caution no matter how nice these girls seem to be.

     Last night we had a conversation about photographic proof that Haven has been in the same vicinity of alcohol. I liked beer at an early age. I mean, hello?  Have you ever met me?  I still like beer today, but it makes me fat and that is something I am working very hard not to be.  However, there is no photographic record of me enjoying it at the age of 15.  I simply asked Haven about it and she told me the truth.  If it were the other way around, and my Mother had asked me, I would have LIED.  Haven did not and I find I have a great respect for her.

     So, if she's going to be around it, and even drink it, I felt she needed some tangible advice.  I did not give her permission to go out and drink.  I put alcohol consumption into perspective for her and I hope she listens.

1.)  DO NOT be the drunkest girl in FOUR states.  Nobody likes a sloppy drunk.  Nobody wants to take care of a sloppy drunk.  People will write on your forehead with a permanent marker once you pass out.  You will wake up with no clothes on.  Your "virtue" will be stolen.  People will talk about you and not in a nice way.  You will come home pregnant and not know how you got that way.  Boys will like you better, but only because you are sloppy and agree to run around naked in front of them.

2.)  DO NOT be a HOOKER.  Alcohol impairs judgement.  Believe me.  It explains about 97% of the men I've dated.  Don't talk yourself into thinking that people are good, because most are not.  There is a difference between chemistry and alcohol induced attraction.  Wait until the next day to determine if chemistry is still there without the aid of Captain Morgan.  I promise you will ask yourself what you were thinking. 

3.)  If you're gonna drink, DO NOT throw up in your friend's CAR.  Seriously, friends don't like that.

4.)  DO NOT get into a car with anyone who has been DRINKING and DO NOT try to DRIVE A CAR if you have been.  I will kill you.  You will wish for death if you do this.  If you do, and you die, I will wither away to nothing because I am nothing without you.

5.)  IF YOU GET CAUGHT, I am NOT going to bail you out.  I never got a MIP and neither should you.  If you get busted at a party, you better call a bank for a loan because I am not going to spend money on you because you were a dumbass.  You want to go to a major university?  Good luck.  It most likely will not happen if you have a MIP on your record.

6.)  The HANGOVER isn't worth it.  I will clang pots together over your head if I even suspect that you are.  I will make you do hard labor out in the hot sun and laugh when you dry heave.  I won't tell you to replace the sugar you lost the night before to help you feel better.

7.)  DO NOT try to beat people up when you have been drinking.  You will look like a fool.  You will fall and injure yourself.  I've seen plenty of friends try to attempt this and they ended up looking like idiots.

8.)  DO NOT attempt doing things you normally do not already do, like fix an electrical problem, or attempt a round-off back handspring.  I'm sure you don't want to be a paraplegic, so just stop while you're ahead. 

9.)  IF you drink, DO NOT let that be the opportunity to tell someone off.  You will go too far and say things you regret.  Words hurt more than a punch to the face.  Words cannot be taken back.

10.)  DO NOT get crazy ideas into your head.  For example, it is a bad idea to run off and get married to someone you don't know.  It is also a bad idea to be drunk and get a tattoo.  That crap does not wash off.  Neither one.