There is No Forever

Thank God Summer is over.

This summer has seen many changes in our home, and some of them have not been fun.  I will say, for the most part, that Haven has taken these changes in stride. All of these changes have been an opportunity for her to grow.

In June, Haven passed her driving test (with a 94), and set out to navigate he northern hemisphere of our great city.  She drove to friend's homes, to the movies, volunteered to run errands for me, and even went to the grocery store.  I kept thinking to myself what a relief it was to have another driver in the household.  By the end of June, she was driving her sisters to and from school without incident.

However, by August, Haven's driving history was not so pristine.  She had a minor accident on the way to practice one morning, and then three days later, she got her first moving violation.  It was a rough week.

She did not like my reaction to both of these events.  I spazzed out a lot.  This reaction was mirrored by my sister who selflessly gave Haven a car.

I'm not really sure why she took issue with our responses to these two infractions--maybe it was because she scored a 94 on her driving test--maybe because she views them as accidents and thinks that they will never happen again...I don't know.  I really don't know what she's thinking.

What I do know is is that she is my precious daughter and that I don't want her to die (or kill anyone else).    I swear to you every time that child pulls out of the driveway I send up a prayer that she returns to me safely.  I ask God to watch over her, to protect her, to keep her from harm's way and to facilitate good choices through her.  I don't mean to be ridiculous, but I became very religious when Haven began driving.

Up until this point I felt like I could control any ominous outside forces that came her way.  I feel I've done a pretty good job of protecting her and keeping her from harm thus far.  It has been incredibly hard to watch her drive away from me.   Now it is up to God.

I say this because on this day, the day we were to be in court for her failure to stop at a stop sign, Haven lost one of her friends in an early morning car accident.

This all just became very real for Haven.

She was pretty shaken up when she met me at the courthouse.  I hugged her, listened to her tell me about her friend, and watched her cry.  It is not an easy thing watching your child overcome with grief. I watched her inwardly and outwardly process the loss.

 I can't help but think about what that boy's mother must be going through.  I know she herself must have sent up the very same prayers that I do every day; Every mother does when her child gets behind the wheel.

After Haven saw the Judge, and as we were walking outside to our respective cars, I asked Haven if she knew now why I have been so worried.  She looked at me with the saddest eyes and said, "Yes."  I don't think I've seen eyes that sad since my father died.

When we were young, we conducted ourselves as if we were unbreakable.  Every teenager thinks they will live forever.

This has been a terrible way for her to learn that there is no forever.