Dear Haven,

I've seen shades of myself at 17 in Haven's attitude lately.  This does not necessarily scare me, but it does worry me as to what is REALLY going on with her.  She's been snapping and saying, "Whatever," a lot.  She sighs loudly and her eyes are usually rolled in the back of her head.  She mumbles a lot under her breath.

Having once been a teenager, I have accepted that she might resort to this type of behavior.  Whatever her reasons, I know that she is not happy but may not feel like she can adequately communicate as to why she's irritated.  She may even believe that I would not understand if she tried to talk to me about her reasoning. 

However, I was a moody teenager that was angry about a lot of things that I could not control.  Many incidents happened during my raising that shaped my confusion and suppressed my ability to responsibly word what I was feeling.  My expressed thoughts came out as, "I hate you all," and I meant it, for there was no other venue for me to state my resentment.   I took every offense against me (and others) to heart and had trouble letting go or forgiving.  Who I was is not who Haven is or who she will become.  She's one of the most forgiving and gracious people I've ever known. 

I can only speculate at this point as to what is going on with her: 

Maybe she is under a lot of pressure at school.  I know Chemistry and Geometry have been an issue for her.  I will tell her this: You have six more years, baby.  SIX.  That is not a lot.  You will love college!  You will take classes that actually pertain to who you are and who you want to be.  You will grow in ways that you never thought imaginable.  You will come home and debate your learning and I will respect your views.  Chemistry and Geometry are not the 'be all' and 'end all' of education, but you can get through these courses.  Just remember: "C's and D's equal degrees," and as long as you get one, we are good.

Maybe she is not happy with track, although I do not know why; she actually placed at last weekend's meet.  To that I would say, "Keep going girl!"  There are not a lot of pole vaulters out there, and you've chosen a sport that challenges you weekly.  I have never been more proud of the fact that you are an individual who works tirelessly to perfect your skills.  It takes more than sheer determination to soar through the air the way you do.  I am in awe each time I see you run towards that mat.  Who cares if someone does better than you?  I don't.  Anything you decide to set your mind to makes me proud.  So get your pole up and run, Haven.  Eight feet or 12 in a half, it doesn't matter to me.  YOU matter to me.

Maybe she's mad because I told her no when she asked to go some place the other day.  To that, I say to her, "Some times I have to say no."  Haven, you go and go and go and go until you are knocked down by a virus.  Trust me when I say it is better to stay home one night and rest.  Your body will thank you.  Sleep and rest are very important.  There will come a time (maybe when you are a mother yourself) when you will not be able to get the required rest you need.  Cherish your down time. (And stop rolling your eyes.  I know what I'm talking about.)

Maybe she has some feelings about the letter she received from her father a week ago.  To that, I say, "I am glad he is coming around."  I know how important father's are to young women.   There is a part of me that is incredibly apprehensive about this development, but please do not fault me for this; I am your mother and want to protect you.  Your relationship with your father should not and will not be based on my feelings about him.  Daddy's are important, and if you want yours in your life I will not get in the way. I want to tell you that I think you are strong for attempting to have a relationship with him.   I am incredibly proud of you for your ability to forgive, especially at your age.

Maybe everything I've ever put her through as a young mother is finally coming to fruition. I would deserve it to say the least, and would not defend myself with supported arguments about the hardships I had to endure being a teenage parent.  If that is what this is, then I guess it is fair to say that I was not the best parent at 19 years old.  I am at 35.  Haven, you and I have grown in ways that other Mothers and daughters do not.  I tried to find my way in the world while you went along for the ride.  I made mistakes at 22 years old that I would not make today.  I cannot tell you how extraordinarily strange it was to have a nine year old when I was 28.  You have seen a lot of the world and not of the tourist variety.  Our journey together, while not perfect, is ours and I can accept that you might have some resentment toward me.  All I ask is for you to "get it out," so to speak, even if it can only come out as, "I hate you."

Whatever it is, don't hold it in.  By doing so, you send poison into your heart that will only breed prejudice and hate.  Those things are very hard to overcome--harder than the issue you are struggling with. 

I want you to know that I am here to listen.  I am here for you.  I want you to know that we, you and I, do not have to do the normal, typical mother daughter thing of being put out with one another because we are not the normal mother/daughter type.  We can make our own way, just like we have all along.  I'll even let you take the lead. 

But, you must know by now that I am coming along for the ride.