Get Off the Phone Justin Bieber

     Last night at 10:30 p.m., like usual, I had to tell Haven to get off of the phone. And like usual, she had some excuse as to why her telephone conversation was more important than listening to me. “Mom,” she said, “Soandso had a 3-way.”

...blink... blink... blink.

     See, I told you Haven tells me things I would have never told my own mother.

     I can tell you, as a 15 year old, I had no idea what a 3-way meant.  My daughter knows what this means, and believe me, I didn't tell her. Times sure have changed. They've changed so much that I am not entirely sure where I am anymore. I was telling a good friend about last night's verbal exchange, and he said, “Like a 3-way phone call?” No. Not a 3-way phone call; a full-out-face-humping 3-way.

     After making her get off the phone, and making sure she did not get back on, I lay in my bed and struggled to sleep. I swear to God if I make it out of high school again, it will be one of my proudest achievements. My Mom used to tell me, “There are some things a mother shouldn't know.” Um, YEAH! I get that. Now.

     I am certain Haven doesn't tell me these things for shock value. I think she thinks I am genuinely interested in what is going on with her and her friends. And I am. However, this one is a bit tough for me to deal with. Maybe it's because I've been up two nights in a row with sick babies. Maybe it's because NO 15 YEAR OLD SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THIS. EVER.

     I don't even want to begin thinking where these kids are doing such things, but, if Justin Bieber can get it on with someone in a bathroom stall, why shouldn't these kids? And let's not pretend any of this is fun for the girls; their bodies are too young to appreciate intercourse. Shoot, I faked it until I was 23 years old, and that was with one person. I don't have enough Hollywood in me to fake it with two people.

     I want to tell my dear Haven, “Let's focus on Chemistry, the subject, because the last time I checked, you were needing to spend a little time on it.” But, I know that she finds this development a little more interesting.

     So I lay there, waiting for this to leave my mind, with no such luck. While Haven slept soundly in the other room, I prayed for a seizure. I did.

     I know they are in high school and that this is a time for discovery. But a 3-way? Really? I'm 34 and that does not sound appealing to me at all. Call me what you want. Call me a prude because that would be a first. Do it. Call me a prude.

     She woke up the next morning looking as beautiful as always. I don't want any boy to think he is ever going to have a 3-way with Haven. I would prefer no boy have a 2-way, 1-way, ½ way with Haven, but I am taking baby steps here. She's growing up, and it appears her friends are doing it at a much faster pace than she.

     I have to remind myself constantly that I am HER mother and not the mother to all of her friends. I want to take all of these girls like Angelina Jolie would, and protect them, because I have a heart big enough to love them all. But for now, it looks like I have to have a conversation with my daughter about sex with multiple partners.

     If anyone is interested, I love Cabernet. If someone could provide me with a fully stocked wine cellar, that would be great.